Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, “Let’s watch the registration table to see if there’s a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in.”
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, “Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput.” He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, “Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information.”
The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: “Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin.”
The attendant says, “Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!”
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: “Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus.”
The attendant says, “Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself.”
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he’s a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn’t do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: “Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing.”
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At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults hide at least one dark secret and this makes it very easy to blackmail them merely by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
So Little Johnny decides to try it out. When he arrives home from school that day, he says to his mother, “I know the whole truth.” His mother looks shocked, quickly finds $20, and gives it to him, saying, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, Little Johnny waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” His father looks shocked, quickly finds $40, and gives it to him, saying, “Just don’t tell your mother.”
The next morning, Little Johnny is on his way to school when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy decides to try again. “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman drops his mailbag, throws opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your real daddy a nice big hug!”
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A white girl came up to her dad who was sitting in a beaten up armchair. “Pa, kin ah borrow the truck to-nahgt?” she asked. Her dad looked up to her and said, “Darlin’, yew know what yew haf t’do if’n yew wants to borrer th’ truck.” “But Pa! Ah haf t’go naow!” the white girl cried. Her daddy stood up and unzipped his pants. “Yew know perfectly well what yew haf t’do. On yer knees, bitch!” The white girl complied and started sucking her dad’s cock. After a few seconds she stopped in disgust and looked up to her dad. “Gee Pa, yore dick shore tastes like shit!” Her dad slapped his forhead and said, “Dammit, Ah forgot! Ah already loaned the truck to yer brother just a few minutes ago!”
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A white British explorer is in the dark jungles of Africa, going where no man has ever gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook and troubleshooter in one. One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in playful activities with 9 beautiful, dark, young women, all completely nude. The young man had the biggest penis the British man had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed.
He asked his guide who this man was.
“He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir,” came the reply. “This is his morning ritual.”
“Ask him,” the awed Brit said to his trusted companion, “how did his penis get to be this size?”
The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.
“Well, what did he say?” asked our hero to his assistant on his return.
He said, ” ‘There’s nothing wrong with my penis, doesn’t the white man’s shrink in cold water?’”
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The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniel’s makes your list of “Most Admired People.”
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying “Hey, y’all watch this!”
Your Junior/Senior prom had a daycare.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
Ya’ can’t git married to yer sweetheart ’cause there’s a dang law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
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