Black And White Jokes
A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” Three students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further…..Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.” The student replies, “Ghost? Damn….. From back there I thought you said ‘goats’!”
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Never squat with yer spurs on.
There are two theories to arguin’ with a woman; neither one works.
Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you’re out of good whiskey.
Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back in.
Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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A white girl came up to her dad who was sitting in a beaten up armchair. “Pa, kin ah borrow the truck to-nahgt?” she asked. Her dad looked up to her and said, “Darlin’, yew know what yew haf t’do if’n yew wants to borrer th’ truck.” “But Pa! Ah haf t’go naow!” the white girl cried. Her daddy stood up and unzipped his pants. “Yew know perfectly well what yew haf t’do. On yer knees, bitch!” The white girl complied and started sucking her dad’s cock. After a few seconds she stopped in disgust and looked up to her dad. “Gee Pa, yore dick shore tastes like shit!” Her dad slapped his forhead and said, “Dammit, Ah forgot! Ah already loaned the truck to yer brother just a few minutes ago!”
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A little black boy goes into the kitchen where His mom is baking. He puts His hand in the flour and wipes it all over His face. He looks at His mom and says, “Mom, look, I`m a white boy!”
His mom slaps him in the kisser and says, “Go show your father!”
He goes to His dad in the living room and says, “Look dad, I`m a white boy!” His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, “Go show your Grandmother!”
The boy goes in His grandmother`s room and says, “Look granny, I`m a white boy!” His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to His mother.
His mother says “See. Did you learn anything from that?!”
To which the boy replies, “Sure enough did. I`ve only been white for 5 minutes and I already hate you black people!”
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Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, “Let’s watch the registration table to see if there’s a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in.”
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, “Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput.” He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, “Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information.”
The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: “Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin.”
The attendant says, “Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!”
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: “Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus.”
The attendant says, “Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself.”
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he’s a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn’t do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: “Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing.”
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